MY TESTIMONY

This is the story of my life. The tales of the mountains and the valleys that I had to go through to become the woman I am today. All these experiences were, to me, like a purifying fire, burning up—and still burning up—my imperfections and forging me into the woman that God would have me be. Let me welcome you on this journey with me, as I open myself and my life up, under the spotlight, hopeful that you may see something to learn.

I was born in Ogun State, Sagamu precisely.  I am the first child of my parents and I have two amazing sisters, who have been a reflection of God’s amazing grace to me. At some point in life, my family moved to Lagos State but later on, we returned to Sagamu. During this time in my childhood, we had people living with us in our home. My father, being a clergyman, had to open the doors of his house and his heart to a lot of people—beautiful people.

At age six, I had an experience that drove me wild and left me with an appetite for exploring into depths of carnality.  Everything became wild. My thoughts about life, my body; it was crazy. I was sexually abused (An uncle forced me to touch his private part every day). This was the beginning of my painful experiences and my thirst for exploration. From that age, 6, I knew a lot about sex and I was interested in actualising all I had fantasized. As I grew older, the thirst for pornography came upon me like a mighty wind. I became familiar with several porn site, magazines and books. My mind was more open, so early in life, than some adults. 

In my primary school, I already had a boyfriend. What purpose could such a relationship serve? Yes, I can hear you ask; however, all I wanted to do was just explore. Getting into secondary school, I was hell bent on still following my wild path. I attended services on Sundays and Wednesdays but I was not an active lover of God. I did not even pay any attention to God or to sustaining a relationship with God. At that time, in secondary school, I became worse, paid little attention to my studies, made friends with the real guys and girls in school. Some of them were very dangerous people but I didn’t care. I found validation in these friendships. I was a tomboy then, so I was just having the time of my life. Hanging out with these people fed my inferiority complex. In my view, I didn’t measure up to my friends. The fears of being alone also pushed me to be part of alliances that were not good for my life.

At this point, one may begin to wonder the extent of damage that the abusive incident had caused. The truth is: as life began to unfold, I began to see that the effect and pain that it left had run really deep—stupid deep! I was angry, I was a sadist and worst of all, I was miserable. Every day, I wore a fake smile to mask everything that was going on inside. And my camouflage worked quite well because everyone perceived me as a happy and playful girl.  My mind was so deep and was dug deeper by the fake smiles I wore every day. Nobody could figure what was on my mind.

There were times when i actually tried doing all these things that I had seen or learnt. Eventually, when I was done, I always felt pity for myself. At times of introspections, I would ask myself if this was how I wanted to live my life. Later, I began masturbating. It was next high for me. The only extent I never reached was to have sex. Often, I was trolled by the voice of my mother and how she talked about keeping yourself for marriage. Her voice in my head snapped me back to reality when I was about to make mistakes.  For this reason, I preserved myself and I am thankful that I did.

The inferiority complex that I struggled with had pushed me into dating any guy who showed me love—at that time, my definition of love was warped. In most of these relationships, I was not happy but I didn’t want to be alone; therefore, I had to fake till it became real—it never became real! I made some wrong decisions. Men took advantage of me but I didn’t want to be alone. Eventually, I was angry with everything and everyone. Deep in my heart, I just wanted someone to care. I needed someone to say, “You are not alone” or “Are you okay?”

When I got into the university, things started to take a different turn for me. I met amazing people who loved me differently from how I had been loved. It made me shy away from them. It made me almost push them away. Some of those relationships could not stand my resistance; hence it withered. Other relationships did not really turn out healthy. However, there were relationships that made a drastic difference in my life. Watching some people love me truly, I began to hate myself again. I felt I had nothing to offer anyone, not even myself. I entertained suicidal thoughts. Everything was heading downhill: emotionally, I was messed up; spiritually, I did not give a hoot about God; academically, I was not doing well; physically, I was faking, wearing a masking smile. At the peak of this emotional turmoil, I asked myself, every day and every minute, OF WHAT USE OR IMPORTANCE IS MY LIFE?

However, in all of these, as I take a look back, God really showed me that He loved me—gladly, He still does. In the University, I wanted to just enjoy my life to the fullest. I felt death could come anytime and I would not want it to meet me without having had the fun of my life. Therefore, I did not go to church. I went around with this mentality. God, however, in His Sovereign mercy, had other plans for me.

In 200 level, I met amazing ladies, who God used to introduce me to an amazing church. Going to that church and meeting people was the beginning of my breakthrough. I picked up the hobby of writing, as it had become an outlet to express all that I internalised.  As I continued to fellowship with these people, I discovered that I was not alone. I discovered that there were other people who felt what I felt. This discovery emancipated me. I began to loosen up. In my desire for help, I started talking to people. Talking to these people revealed to me that I had so much pain, hate and hurt hidden inside. It was difficult to open up to these people because I had a problem trusting people. Also, I could not cope with the idea of people feeling sorry for me. However, against all odds, I opened up to these people and that decision has been one of the greatest decisions of my life.

Although I was healing progressively, there was one thing that was still a great problem for me. I found it very difficult to say thank you and I am sorry. These words were difficult to say because I could be neither impressed by what anybody did nor agreed that anybody deserved my apology. Also, I did not get an apology for the hurt that I experienced, therefore, nobody deserved my apology. At this point, my anger became obvious to me. In fact, my anger was not really predominantly directed at the person who caused me this hurt; instead, it was directed at God. I wonder why He would let me go through the abuse. I was not ready to let go of the pain; I was not ready to forgive the person that hurt me.

Actually, I never had it all together. I made mistakes, took the wrong turn, fell below my expectations and was judged by those I thought loved and cared about me. I wish I can undo some of those mistakes. Eventually, when I could not live my life the way I was living it; when I discovered that I just wanted to be truly happy, enjoy true love and joy, I sought the Lord. Apparently, no man can seek the Lord if the Lord did not reach out to Him first. The distaste and pandemonium in my heart was as a result of my heart desiring the true and living God.

Finally, surrendering unto Jesus was my greatest and best decision ever. I let go of everything to the one who made me; who knew me before I was born. I had to drop everything—my pain, my hurt—at the foot of the cross. If I wanted to be happy, I had to drop it all there and not pick it up again. Praise God! Since then, I have let go of all the pain, hurt and anger. Instead, from the bricks of these experiences, I have, by the help of God, been able to build an edifice of goodness. Even times when I misbehave now, I remember that God and I are in a great place. Quickly, I run to Him to make things right. So the crazy, bully, funny, troublesome, sacrificial Ebunoluwa never had it all together. However, God has been holding me together and He will never stop holding me together.

So after 16 years, I got in contact with the person who abused me, we didn’t see physically but we got talking on the phone. It felt weird at first but because I have learnt to free my self from the bondage of the word VICTIM. I forgave him and I moved on. I need you to understand that it wasn’t easy at all, I remembered crying so hard the moment I decided to forgive and move on.  It wasn’t an easy process tho but I was patient with myself, it took time to heal but yeah am happy I healed eventually. For everyone who has passed through the same ordeal or similar, I will advise that you go see a therapist or someone you trust, in my case I spoke to someone who went through the same ordeal who has healed and moved on.  The most importantly thing to do is to forgive yourself and don’t push blame on anyone.

          In the process of forgiving yourself Christ has to be the center, 2 Corinthians 5:17 says ‘Now, if anyone is enfolded into Christ, he has become an entirely new creation. All that is related to the old order has vanished. Behold, everything is fresh and new’(TPT).  Then after speaking to the person who you trust/ therapist and forgiving yourself note that healing is a process and you can’t rush it. You must take your time to heal properly.