“You’ve never lived my life"
My line of defense every time I felt a conviction.
It was proof that I saw conviction as accusation -
Something incessantly telling me I was in the wrong
And that was the last thing I needed to hear
Because no one had ever lived my life.
The arrogance I must have wallowed in,
My conversations with divinity varied depending on whose personality I was trying to connect with
I made small talks forgetting that He had no ego I could stroke
Nonetheless, I moved with my tears, sighed and cried for help
‘You’ve never lived my life’
I unleashed my disappointment at the life I lived
Salvation promised me newness, freshness and a blank page
Remember that ‘your sins He would remember no more' line?
Well, all my life gave off was a hint of constant failures and a huge splash of imposter syndrome
I didn’t fit into the commonwealth of the saints with the life I was now living.
Still I lied
Still I held back the truth
Still I allowed myself go back to the vomit I swore grossed me out
Still I fainted in the days of adversity
Still I cared less of His opinion of me
Still I screamed ‘You’ve never lived my life”
In the midst of all the chaotic life I had acclimatized with,
In all of the questionings, doubts and increased declination of self-esteem,
With my head bowed in shame and eyes surrendered to hopelessness,
Hands stuck in sin and feet sinking deep into all other grounds
He lifted His voice, called my name and said ‘This isn’t your life’
He came into the mess, reached to me in my hells,
Sketched the life He planned out for me in the sands,
It was a familiar symbol; two arms stretched wide from here to the ends of the earth,
We exchanged silent conversations - those glances I can still feel today
As he led me out and brought me to His bosom - ‘Now, this is your life’
He wasn’t condoning my weaknesses
Nor was He fueling my misrepresentation of grace and the work of Christ,
He understood my struggles,
Heck, He could relate to them
And yes He had lived my life.
It’s not my life He wanted me to live
It’s His - and He has provided all I need to live it
This new life - new in every sense, every way and in every fashion
This new life promises everything good.
And everything good is contained in one, Jesus!
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