Faith in my darkest hour
Hmm…my experience through the darkest path of my life streams between taking decisions within thin routes that may never be understood by anyone only if I explain. I believe that’s why someone has to hear this and understand the deepest part in my journey of faith in dark times. I will start by saying that the opportunities I have gained through this journey, where strength had evolved and mistakes were made, was just by a tool called GROWTH. I remember back then when I was in school (university) and I was on a zero point CGPA. I was down, I felt neglected and ashamed of myself amongst others. For the first time I knew what it meant to be depressed, or to feel like being far away from people. On a serious note, all of a sudden the smiles, the opportunities and stage landmarks (as at then lol) I would get were fading off; there was virtually no one to speak to. Any normal parent who has invested so much, will definitely feel bad and highly disappointed. I mean, I was placed in one of the most expensive schools in Nigeria, which implied that more was expected of me. Also I was a singer, a songwriter and a music director. Hmm….what will I tell my subordinates? What will I tell my friends? What will happen to me afterwards? How will I survive through all of these? These where questions I asked myself at so many points in my life. There was always fear written all over my face, my eyes were always ‘bag full’ of tears each moment, guilt and condemnation filled my heart and there was nothing to show that success resided in me.
At this point I decided to go back and start SS1 (senior secondary school) as it is called in Nigeria, West Africa. Since the cause of my failure was because I was doing the wrong course, which was never my interest, I decided to stay off university and focus on starting all over again. Of course my parents didn’t take this likely at all, as they taught something had taken over me. However with time they realised that I wasn’t joking and I was really serious, although at this time the school had told me to withdraw from the university. Hope gone! Love gone! Faith gone! So there was a contour in my mind, whether to go into drugs, or to go into sexual immorality, or to go into drinking, at least these will make me feel good…I guess I was wrong. I didn’t eventually involve myself in these things but trust me the thoughts alone were enough to believe that I did them. So back to my parents, they never supported me going back to school, but supported my continuity in the university. At this point we went back to the university and spoke to the dean and they realised I wasn’t doing what I was supposed to d—my desired course. Of course for me to do my desired course, it meant I had to start all over again, which I did and brought me from a level of zero point to a level of 4 point. Not neglecting the times I worked under people and got manipulated many times, got abused by many ladies also, I had a better understanding that ladies are not the only one being manipulative, but men also are highly manipulative and abuse—hey this is not a fiction, this happened to me. Got abused so many times by both genders. Yes I'm a guy, but at some points this made me hate my parents and the female gender. I hated my parents, because I thought what happened to me could have been avoided. I also hated ladies, because they used my vulnerability to satisfy their selfish desires….such cruelty right? But over time, the knowledge of God’s word filled my heart, which brought me to a safe place, a place of rest and love without shame. I thank God for a particular pastor I met who helped me see gates opened into the kingdom house. The lord used him at a crucial part of my life in which I am so grateful to God for. He showed me from scriptures how that I am His righteousness and he has accepted me into him even before my failures. Let me quickly say this, as you share your stories, and you pass through many storms in life, make sure you elaborate so much about the love of God through all of these…why? Because, some persons share out of unhealed hearts, while some share because they want people to hear gists. I’m glad @aneakspeaks brought up this idea and concept and I am grateful to you and your team. Now I am back on track, I am whole, I am so happy, joyful and fulfilled like never before. I look for my accusers and they are nowhere to be found, I look for those who called me crazy whilst I was in my darkest area of my life.
Faith truly was present in my darkest hour and light shone brightly!!!!!
The truth about it is that in the darkest hour, it’s a real tough time for many. I remember taking strolls, long walks, I mean it was hard to pray. It was hard to communicate to people generally about God at some point. So I thought maybe I wasn’t the problem, maybe it was His (GOD) problem, or could it be he didn’t want to talk to me because of how filthy I was and all…? I later realised that I missed something! Ooops!!! He had always loved me even in my mess. I never saw that coming, until one day I realised that my name reflected the love God had for me not the love I had for him. I often got disappointed every time I tried keeping my deal of ‘pleasing him’. Gradually my mind-set began to change, and I was made to see, the reality of His love which has made me his Beloved! I began to read books about the love of God…..hey! Hold up! Because I got bored at so many points! Yes my dear! It was like the books weren’t working, so I pushed to speaking to the lord from His word and then I saw clearly from Prov 3:5-6….boom!
*Trust in the Lord completely, and do not rely on your own opinions. With all your heart rely on him to guide you, and he will lead you in every decision you make. Become intimate with him in whatever you do, and he will lead you wherever you go. Don’t think for a moment that you know it all, for wisdom comes when you adore him with undivided devotion and avoid everything that’s wrong. Then you will find the healing refreshment your body and spirit long for.*
Proverbs 3:5-8 (The passion translation TPT)
I learnt trust, and at this point I knew if I was going to trust him, I would have to let go of so many things. Which also implied that I was going to forgive everyone that hurt me. I had to see that it was going to take a lot of processes and gradual change to a lot of things. So as I became consistent in this I began to see many more of His love revealed to me. This was just everything I needed. Faith became that little burning light that shone more and more daily to me which made me relaxed. Guys, Jesus is the only cup that won’t run dry. Yes I knew Him, but most importantly his love was revealed to me more and more. If only you can get hold of his love, you will get loose of your hurts!
Hmm…my experience through the darkest path of my life streams between taking decisions within thin routes that may never be understood by anyone only if I explain. I believe that’s why someone has to hear this and understand the deepest part in my journey of faith in dark times. I will start by saying that the opportunities I have gained through this journey, where strength had evolved and mistakes were made, was just by a tool called GROWTH. I remember back then when I was in school (university) and I was on a zero point CGPA. I was down, I felt neglected and ashamed of myself amongst others. For the first time I knew what it meant to be depressed, or to feel like being far away from people. On a serious note, all of a sudden the smiles, the opportunities and stage landmarks (as at then lol) I would get were fading off; there was virtually no one to speak to. Any normal parent who has invested so much, will definitely feel bad and highly disappointed. I mean, I was placed in one of the most expensive schools in Nigeria, which implied that more was expected of me. Also I was a singer, a songwriter and a music director. Hmm….what will I tell my subordinates? What will I tell my friends? What will happen to me afterwards? How will I survive through all of these? These where questions I asked myself at so many points in my life. There was always fear written all over my face, my eyes were always ‘bag full’ of tears each moment, guilt and condemnation filled my heart and there was nothing to show that success resided in me.
At this point I decided to go back and start SS1 (senior secondary school) as it is called in Nigeria, West Africa. Since the cause of my failure was because I was doing the wrong course, which was never my interest, I decided to stay off university and focus on starting all over again. Of course my parents didn’t take this likely at all, as they taught something had taken over me. However with time they realised that I wasn’t joking and I was really serious, although at this time the school had told me to withdraw from the university. Hope gone! Love gone! Faith gone! So there was a contour in my mind, whether to go into drugs, or to go into sexual immorality, or to go into drinking, at least these will make me feel good…I guess I was wrong. I didn’t eventually involve myself in these things but trust me the thoughts alone were enough to believe that I did them. So back to my parents, they never supported me going back to school, but supported my continuity in the university. At this point we went back to the university and spoke to the dean and they realised I wasn’t doing what I was supposed to d—my desired course. Of course for me to do my desired course, it meant I had to start all over again, which I did and brought me from a level of zero point to a level of 4 point. Not neglecting the times I worked under people and got manipulated many times, got abused by many ladies also, I had a better understanding that ladies are not the only one being manipulative, but men also are highly manipulative and abuse—hey this is not a fiction, this happened to me. Got abused so many times by both genders. Yes I'm a guy, but at some points this made me hate my parents and the female gender. I hated my parents, because I thought what happened to me could have been avoided. I also hated ladies, because they used my vulnerability to satisfy their selfish desires….such cruelty right? But over time, the knowledge of God’s word filled my heart, which brought me to a safe place, a place of rest and love without shame. I thank God for a particular pastor I met who helped me see gates opened into the kingdom house. The lord used him at a crucial part of my life in which I am so grateful to God for. He showed me from scriptures how that I am His righteousness and he has accepted me into him even before my failures. Let me quickly say this, as you share your stories, and you pass through many storms in life, make sure you elaborate so much about the love of God through all of these…why? Because, some persons share out of unhealed hearts, while some share because they want people to hear gists. I’m glad @aneakspeaks brought up this idea and concept and I am grateful to you and your team. Now I am back on track, I am whole, I am so happy, joyful and fulfilled like never before. I look for my accusers and they are nowhere to be found, I look for those who called me crazy whilst I was in my darkest area of my life.
Faith truly was present in my darkest hour and light shone brightly!!!!!
The truth about it is that in the darkest hour, it’s a real tough time for many. I remember taking strolls, long walks, I mean it was hard to pray. It was hard to communicate to people generally about God at some point. So I thought maybe I wasn’t the problem, maybe it was His (GOD) problem, or could it be he didn’t want to talk to me because of how filthy I was and all…? I later realised that I missed something! Ooops!!! He had always loved me even in my mess. I never saw that coming, until one day I realised that my name reflected the love God had for me not the love I had for him. I often got disappointed every time I tried keeping my deal of ‘pleasing him’. Gradually my mind-set began to change, and I was made to see, the reality of His love which has made me his Beloved! I began to read books about the love of God…..hey! Hold up! Because I got bored at so many points! Yes my dear! It was like the books weren’t working, so I pushed to speaking to the lord from His word and then I saw clearly from Prov 3:5-6….boom!
*Trust in the Lord completely, and do not rely on your own opinions. With all your heart rely on him to guide you, and he will lead you in every decision you make. Become intimate with him in whatever you do, and he will lead you wherever you go. Don’t think for a moment that you know it all, for wisdom comes when you adore him with undivided devotion and avoid everything that’s wrong. Then you will find the healing refreshment your body and spirit long for.*
Proverbs 3:5-8 (The passion translation TPT)
I learnt trust, and at this point I knew if I was going to trust him, I would have to let go of so many things. Which also implied that I was going to forgive everyone that hurt me. I had to see that it was going to take a lot of processes and gradual change to a lot of things. So as I became consistent in this I began to see many more of His love revealed to me. This was just everything I needed. Faith became that little burning light that shone more and more daily to me which made me relaxed. Guys, Jesus is the only cup that won’t run dry. Yes I knew Him, but most importantly his love was revealed to me more and more. If only you can get hold of his love, you will get loose of your hurts!
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